sabi nila, tayo raw ang gumagawa ng sarili nating multo... siguro nga totoo ito... today, may ginawa akong isang bagay out of impulsiveness. it is haunting me now... i know what i did was one of my spur of the moment things. eccentric nga yata ako.. and now, as much as i want to undo it, i can't... i have said i'm sorry and yet i cannot accept what i did and i can't help but be fidgety about it. i can't stop myself from regretting what i did and unless the person to whom i did the thing will talk to me about it i know i cannot calm my self. why the guilt? am i really so insecure? I really hate myself when I am in this state...! I know it will really haunt me for the rest of the day, probably until a week and still remember it after a long time.. and i know that when it cross my mind, i will still feel like a fool. This is absurdity! I really can't help the stupidity... Ah! stupidity... the word... why can't one be smart all the time? there is definitely a reason for this... i'm an idiot! at this moment.... argh! i want to strangle myself!http://freemanstots.blogspot.com/atom.xml

Thoughts of YM with C 031606

How can we say that one person is wrong for us or not? It seems to be natural to look forward to having someone who will be perfect for us. Perfect? It's been ages since we knew that nobody is perfect. yet we still expect that there is a perfect person. sa dami ng nakapag-share sa akin about that thing we call "love" aside from the fact that i did experience being in that "in love" state i can probably share with you what and how i see that thing called love. so here goes:

1. There was this girl who fell in love with a guy four years younger than her. The girl has very good family background and is well-respected by their community. The guy was in his senior year in college when she already sports a fruitful career. The guy's ex-girlfriend was a common friend of the girl. So much to say that the guy will never fit in to the girl's would-be boyfriend category. The girl tried to ignore him and yet she unconsciously kept helping and being around him and silently became his "superwoman" 'coz her heart subconsciously really wanted to reach out to him. He was reaching out and needed her. Yet, she was in denial. She had these thoughts: "How can this guy be accepted by my family? by my friends? He doesn't have anything that I can be proud of. He doesn't even come up to my ideals." Eventually, she decided to accept him but did not introduce him as her boyfriend. She never admitted nor denied that they had a relationship. After finishing college the guy had a series of forgettable jobs and did not have any stable job. After sometime, he and his family relocated to Manila. Her insecurities was hard enough for the girl to handle. The long distance relationship proved even harder for the girl to keep the relationship going. Shewas always in doubt. There came a time that the guy gave a hint he wanted to marry her. He pre-proposed (if there is ever such a word). But her insecurities ruled the relationship. Finally, he gave up on her. She hated him then and was too proud to admit she was at fault. But they kept in touch and still has a good friendly relationship. My friend had lots of sleepless nights thinking of the what ifs and might have beens during and after their relationship. The negative things weighed heavily on her thoughts. She chose to believe that the relationship was doomed to fail from the start and that was what she allowed to happen. Now, however, when she shares that memory with friends she doesn't hesitate to admit her fault as to why and how the relationship failed. She has forgiven herself and stopped thinking of the what might have beens if only she gave herself a chance then. The guy, by the way, with his kid, has just recently followed his wife to Australia.

2. There was this girl who fell in love with an officemate. Her family belongs to the upper class in their community. The guy's family belongs to the middle class and dons a "happy-go-lucky" lifestyle. He drinks a lot and one of his drinking buddies is his mom. He smokes and sometimes gamble. He was "one of the boys" in the office. He was rumored to even belong to the office boys' "womanizer" group. He wasn't even that good-looking and way beyond being compared to her ex-boyfriend. Yet, she wasn't able to keep herself from falling for him. When the news that he had proposed marriage to her spread out, an ex-girlfriend of the guy came out claiming that she was carrying his child and the one that the guy should marry. This is what kept me and my friend burning the lines for until the wee hours for days. I told her how i see their situation and what i thought about it and what i think i will do if i was in her situation. At present, she is happily married with the guy and the guy proves to be complimenting her achievements and a better person than what she and her friends and family previously assumed him to be.

How can we honestly say that a person is perfect for us or not when we ourselves know for a fact that we have our own imperfections. I believe that relationships last because the persons involved in it proves that what they have cannot be affected by the standards set out by society, that they have built the relationship by themselves and not dictated nor influenced by others, that they had promised themselves to protect the relationship through the deadliest storm, and that respect and trust will shield it all throughout.

I don't have any proof that what i say is true but this is what i believe in and this is how i would want it to be. I am not trying to find a perfect person. i can only say that i have experienced love and knew that who I loved was not a perfect person but someone who gave me "that" feeling. No words can describe it. But questions would - somehow. Why do I keep looking forward to seeing, hearing this person? Why do thoughts of him keep coming to my mind? Why am I smiling at the thought of him? Why do I keep ignoring the fact that he's beeing booed by my friends? Why do I give my parents/friends white lies about him? Why am i so moody when doesn't give me a call? Why do I find his company so much fun?

If you fall in love, you will know what i mean. And please, stay out of the word "stupid". It doesn't belong to love. It belongs only to the "worldly" things. Unless, you take love for another word...

The thing is, no matter who the person is, in love, ideals will never really matter, what will matter is how "high" you can be if you just let go...

"Unhappiness is inspiration waiting to come to life. If you are unhappy, discover the inspiration within it. Ask yourself: "Where do you go from here?"

"what you do in life echoes in eternity"

Unhappiness is inspiration waiting to come to life.
If you are nhappy, discover the inspiration within it.
Ask youself, "Where do you go from here?

Happiness is a state of mind. I am happy because I think I am..

blog inspiration: C 022006

c: hi!
y: hi! nasa office ka po ba?
c: nasa bahay. absent po ako.
y: so, how are you?
c: i'm better.
y: good!
....
y: anyway, ayan ka na naman... nadi-depress ka na naman ba?
c: nope. i'm happy. i think my yoga is working. i'm so over na kung anuman yung problema ko na d ko masabi.....
y: oh, you're happy. that's very nice to hear. kaya lang negative ka pa rin. doesn't yoga promote positive thinking or you know looking life in a better perspective?
c: i just don't like financials lang talaga. mahina kasi ako dun.
c: i'm good in psychology and philosophy kasi.
c: i'd rather think about life than numbers.
c: nerd?
y: then why not take it as a challenge? are you not up to challenges anymore? or is it not one of the challenges that you'd like to have?
c: not interesting for me.
y: so, you are good in philo and psycho. can you psyche me now?
y: i'm a philo maniac. so, i philosophize on everything i see, hear or do. doesn't that sound pathetic?
c: not really good. but i like talking about it
y: but even if i look at numbers i relate it to life. i'm not just saying that because i took up accounting as my major. i'm saying it because accounting is not about exact science. it's art. it's not just numbers.
y: it's more like psychology. you analyze facts. parang when you analyze a person or how you see life, ganun sya. paano ba ang nangyari? how did it happen? ano yung logic bakit sya nangyari.
c: nope. d ko pa rin type.
c: okay but i'm still not interested.
y: hahahaha! you are negating it that's why you will never like it. di ba sabi ng logic, if you take anything as negative, how it is presented to you, you will take it negatively. so, let's not talk about it. let's talk about what you think would be best for you?
y: =)) (laughter)
c: i'm considering a lot of options. gusto ko lang masiguro before i make any decision.
y: sobra kang magpatawa.. so, ano'ng ginawa mo maghapon? kelan ka pa nga pala may sakit? siguro nakipag-date ka kaya ka nagkasakit ano?
c: hahaha! i talked to *. that's what i did. * was a bit pissed off kanina.
y: so, you have a lot of options. nai-drawing mo na ba ang pros and cons ng options mo? why was * pissed off?....
c: i think there are no cons
.....
y: hahaha! sigurado ka ha? isn't it that we should always look at things both ways?
y: ah... e ano yung sabi mong "that's what i did"?
c: i think the only con thing is that nobody believes me.
c: ano?
y: ikaw yung kausap ni * ?
c: am pm
y: who are those that do not believe you? even if there are, should that matter?
c: nope.
y: ah... i see. so, tama pala ang guess ko..
y: o, yun naman pala e. why take it as a consequence?
y: sabi ko, tama yung hula ....
c: ah, okay.
y: teka, teka lang... naguguluhan ka na yata sa kin...
c: bakit mo naman nasabi na ako?
c: oo nga. halu-halo na yung pinag-uusapan natin
y: sabi mo nope. i took it as your reply to my question that it shouldn'nt matter whether anyone believes in you or don't. so i said, then why take it as a consequence... so, let's not talk halu-halo na lang.. let's not talk about * .... let's talk about you.
y: magulo ba talaga akong kausap. sabi ko nga.. anyway...
c: it doesn't really matter.
c: talagang pinag-iisipan ko lang nang mabuti.
c: ayokong magkamali
y: nasabi ko na ...., i just knew. anything wrong with it...?
c: lifetime decision na to.
c: nope. i just wondered how you guessed it. it doesn't matter really.
y: wow! heavy. lifetime is parang tinutuldukan mo na whatever it is you're thinking of taking.
c: i think it's a decision that's going to affect so many - people, things, etc.
y: i told you before pa. malakas ang hunch ko.... i am weird...
c: are we talking about the "guessing" thing?
y: ah...! hmmm... well, will it make you happy? will it answer all your questions?
c: ang alin?
y: everything... all of what we're talking about and not talking about (sensing you)...
c: huh?
y: hahaha! magulo talaga akong kausap. the "guessing thing" - malakas ang hunch ko... ; "i think it's going to affect so many..." will it make you happy? will it answer all your questions? will you not seek anymore, if you're going to take whatever it is that you're thinking of taking?
c: i hope. i think so. i hope not.
c: malinaw ba?
y: why just hope? you're done thinking (as i take it you are). if you've really weighed both sides of the decision that you're going to make, then the positve ones should have ruled out the negative ones. so, it would mean that the positive and negative side of it are just almost equal. is that why you're just hoping?
c: how can one really say that "this thing is going to make me happy"? most especially if you are still just thinking about it?
y: alam mo kasi, i've been through a lot . and i guess, what made me just take life as it is now is by accepting the fact that there are just things that i cannot change, i cannot take and have. so, what i'd like to tell you is, you should be really happy with whatever decisions that you make never mind who's going to get hurt or get stepped-in the way, as long as you think it's right for you and the decision will really welcome you - open arms.
y: life is a risk __. and the only reason i am accepting what i have today, is i dont want to take risks. so i cannot demand from Him or anyone else that i should be happy because this is how i chose to be. just a drifter. that's why i really look up to people who do take risks. so, if you decide that a certain thing or person will make you happy, it will you happy
y: it's just a matter of acceptance. and you are the only one who can say that you are happy or not.
y: kahit na ang tingin sa 'yo ng tao ay mahirap pa sa daga o miserable ang buhay mo, no one can ever know how you feel exactly. di ba?
y: may sense ba yung sinasabi ko?
c: it's really difficult to say that what i consider doing with my life is going to make me happy. thinking about it makes me happy that's why i really hope that it will. i will make sure that it will. in all the decisions that i make, i really prepare myself for the consequences. and i never escape or run away from them. kahit ano pang mangyari.
c: sige, __. i have to go na. gagamitin na ni erpat ang phone. nice talking to you.
c: next time na lang po ulit.
c: bye. god bless.:)
y: that's the spirit. even if you fail, w/c i hope you won't, at least you're taking risks & that's what life is all about. taking risks. at least you won't have to deal with thoughts of might have beens & what ifs. yes. life is difficult. but you just take what you can out of it. then, it will be easier to live - life that is. anyway, don't worry. life's not always sweet you see. mahirap naman yung monotonous na buhay. di mo matitikman ang sarap if puro bland lang ang lasa ng kinakain mo di ba? anyway, what keeps us - human - living is the thought that someone else is beside us. (that's the only thing that keeps me going at least - family and friends) so, whatever road you lead, there's your family. & i'll be here. corny pero true. i'll be here. take it or not. so, i'll watch you bloom into a beautiful butterfly. i'll just be beside you.
y: i am very insecure on how my friends take me. it's probably a sin if i don't initiate to call or say hello but it doesn't mean i cease hoping that every call i got, one of them is a friend. i hope you can see me as i see you - a friend
y: Be well. God bless too! and take care always.